This was posted on Facebook by my friend and wonderful actress Elizabeth Audley. I really feel her advice had to be shared. I also believe that this is good advice for dealing with people in general.
10 Practical Tips for Not Losing Your Shit When Faced with Republicans, the Undecided and/or Apathetic. by Elizabeth Audley
First of all, let us agree that losing your shit when trying to sway voters is a bad thing. We know that if you let your anger/fear control you, you not only can't do a good job of anything, but you will probably actually sabotage any efforts you are making, and, in addition, will be causing yourself a lot of unnecessary emotional distress. Let's agree that the best way to convince someone that your point of view is reasonable, if not correct, is to BE reasonable -- not angry, weepy, shrill, desperate, or anything other than intelligent, balanced, open minded, and articulate. So, these are the qualities we will strive to cultivate and maintain, in the face of serious challenges. Here's how to do it:
1. Breathe. Practice taking long, deep breaths in your nose and out of your mouth without making a weird face or any heavy breathing noises. It totally defeats the point if people can hear/see you taking big deep labored breaths. Look in the mirror – see how little your mouth needs to be open for you to exhale out of it. Practice breathing like this in front of a mirror until you can easily switch to this kind of breathing without anyone noticing.
2. Read some Pema Chodron. When you are faced with someone who drives you crazy, first, breathe, then send them as much love and generosity from your heart as you can possibly muster. Say it in your mind: "I wish you love, happiness, peace and joy." You have to mean it, too. Read a little bit of Pema Chodron every day to remind yourself to be compassionate and generous.
3. If the above proves challenging, imagine that the person you are talking to is a beloved elderly relative. Someone who you would never want to upset, someone who you respect, and someone who you will be your best self around.
4. Listen. This is the hardest thing to do, and the most effective. Really listen to what people are saying. Be present. Try not to think about what you are going to say in response before someone has finished speaking – people can always tell when you're doing that. Really, really listen to what people are saying. Look at their faces, look at their body language. Don't assume you know the end of the sentence or phrase -- it might surprise you. Listen respectfully. Don't ever cut someone off. Don't nod and verbalize too much ("uh-huh" "sure" "I understand.") -- when you're responding like this, you're not listening anymore. Just put all of your attention on listening. Avoid knee-jerk reactions or give-away facial expressions by breathing deeply throughout. Keep your face relaxed, and your jaw unclenched. Think of that beloved elderly relative.
5. When you're finished listening, breathe, and then respond with "I" statements. "The reason that I like Barack Obama is…" or "I've been frustrated in the last 8 years because of…" "I'm worried that…" However, when you do this, it's important to not seem like you are "one-upping" or otherwise dismissing what people have just said. Be respectful. You have to really believe that people think what they think for a reason -- whatever that is, it's as strongly held as the reasons you believe what you believe. Ask questions -- but only if you really have a question, never for the sake of argument.
6. Try not to use "you" statements – even if it's something like "But don't you think…" or "Can't you see…" or "don't you realize…" Nobody ever wants to be told what they think, or should think. Ever. Instead, offer up your own experience. "I started to get interested in Barack Obama because…" or "You know, my parents, neither of whom had much confidence in Obama even a few months ago, are really impressed with his judgement and economic plan, and are now going to vote for him."
7. Use facts, not feelings, to make arguments. So, have a lot of facts at your disposal. Read a lot of different news sources – liberal and conservative – so no one can accuse you of being biased or uninformed. Have information about policy and issues at your disposal.
8. See what you can agree on. "It is really great that the Republican party has nominated a woman for vice president. That's great, and such a big step forward for women. However, I'm worried about her being on the ticket because of her stances on x,y, and z."
9. Don't be an asshole. Don't argue, don't attack, don't fight or try to trick or trap people -- don't try to prove anyone wrong. Let them come to you. No one is interested in listening to a person who is aggressive or argumentative or clearly has an agenda. People can smell desperation. Instead, play hard to get. Be cool – you know, like Obama. Offer your own perspective as clearly and as persuasively, and as personally as you can. You're never going to argue someone into changing their mind, but you can appear to be a person who is balanced, respectful, intelligent and thoughtful who has come to this particular conclusion. Usually, if you give people space, they'll see your point of view, and if you have composure, they might admire you for it. That might not make them change their mind in this moment, but might give them that much more respect for you, and what you stand for – which, over time, could add up them changing their mind.
10. Know when to let it go. If someone is fighting just to fight, or doesn't want to listen to you, or is really stubborn and hateful, back off. Don't get mad. Breathe, send them some love (and mean it), smile (for real), imagine that they are your beloved elderly relative, and say something like "I guess we have really different perspectives on these things." Let it go. Use that energy to register new voters.
P.S. My sister also reminded me of some good advice my grandfather gave once: "Whenever I'm not sure what to do, I think to myself, 'what would a smart person do?'" Yes. (Yes we can.)
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